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God, it's hot. Cor. You try cracking a window open, but it makes no difference. The heat's here. It's on you. It won't come off. It's 4am. Stay still and you feel suffocated. Make a move for the other side of the bed and the friction just makes matters worse. Oh god. There's no way out.
Except there is. Incredibly, there's no real received wisdom in the UK regarding what you should do to get through a balmy midsummer night, notwithstanding the old wives' tale of drinking something hot to cool yourself down, which was presumably a ruse on the part of the Bovril marketing team. Some say you should wear damp socks. Others say you'll need a damp t-shirt too. We say that's insane. There are technological solutions to your heat-based insomnia.
37 degrees did you say?! It's time to bust out the big guns. British brand Dyson have developed a new technology that only swirls lovely, cool air around your office or bedroom like a soothing ocean tide but also monitors and purifies the air as it goes. Probably the most advanced fan on the market, this is easy to assemble and it looks cool, too. £443.98, dyson.co.uk
Opinions differ on whether sleeping naked actually helps keep you cool - the theory runs that moisture just stays on your skin rather than being wicked away by fabric, meaning your body can't keep itself cool efficiently. Either way, cotton's your best bet for a comfortable night's sleep if you're a nevernude, even in the height of summer, and Cleverly Laundry's washed cotton pyjama sets are extremely sharp.
£150, Cleverly Laundry at Mr Porter
Towelling yourself down with something damp is a drastic measure, yes, but we're living through The Great Summer Heatwave Of 2018. Drastic measures are called for. The thousands of holes in this towel make it cool as soon as it's wet, and it stays cool for a couple of hours after that. No, it's not that dignified, but neither is turning up to work after slowly basting yourself for eight hours rather than sleeping.
The momentary relief of a pillow-flip is a summer night go-to, but it's a gambit which gives diminishing returns with each flip. Get around that with a fridge-cool gel-filled mat slipped inside your pillowcase.
Having finally dropped off, you still have the lingering threat of waking yourself back up by accidentally rolling back into a bit of the bed you rolled out of half an hour ago, and which is now a pool of your own cold sweat. Avoid that one-two of shock and disgust with a cotton sheet designed to wick away moisture much more effectively and stay cooler than your average cotton sheet.
While high thread count cotton's a good shout for a breathable, non-clammy sheet to pull over yourself. Bamboo sheets, though, trap even less heat in. They also tend to cheaper than the high-end cotton sheets and, as bamboo's one of the fastest-growing plants there is, they're more environmentally sustainable.
Sure, a fan's essential for a decent night's sleep, but if it's just going to be recycling humid air around the room all night it's not going to make you that much more comfortable. A dehumidifier will dry the air in your room, sucking moisture out of the air and making it easier for your sweat to evaporate and cool you down. This one is particularly good for using in your bedroom: it doesn't have a compressor in it, meaning it'll stay below 42dB when it's on. That's slightly less than a refrigerator's hum.
Menthol sticks are a traditional remedy for headaches and tension, but they can also very useful when you wake up at 3am and realise your flat doubles up as an industrial kiln. Swipe a menthol stick across your forehead and you'll get a very pleasant tingly cooling sensation. Yes, it does look like a wooden dildo, but it'll save your life.